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That bastard did it again

So, he spent years taking a sadistic delight in abusing me, knowing that the more horrible he was the less it would be believed. When I finally said "I don't have a brother anymore" he thought it was hilarious, because he hurt me to that point and there was nothing I could do about it except make an empty meaningless statement against him. It wasn't until years later that he realized I meant it. When I finally moved out and joined the Air Force, there was one family member I never spoke to anymore. Then when I left the Air Force and moved to California, that didn't change.

I wanted nothing to do with a person who thinks hurting me is a fun. Some of the worst scars I have from going up are due to him.

But after a while people noticed. It was always my job to reconcile, since I'm the "bad one". And since I spent so much time as the "bad one" I could handle everyone telling me how bad I was that I wouldn't reconcile with someone who "didn't do anything." Yep. I would be asked why I had a problem with him. I would give a few examples. Mom would ask him about the examples. He would express complete bewilderment. She would tell me that he had no idea what I was talking about.

So here I was, bad because I refused to speak to someone who never did anything.

It's always been that way, by the way. No matter what my complaint, instead of dealing with the complaint mom would ask him if he did what I said. He would say no. She would turn to me and say that he said no, and therefore he didn't do it. Over and over. Which is why he was able to escalate and why it was always my job to be the one who had to take it. And if I ever dared to strike back in any way, it was me starting something.

That's another issue. Because I'm the "bad one", if I ever struck back at anyone it was assumed that I was starting it. When your mom says to you that someday when you're in jail for murder she'll still love you, that's cruel. I was being raised to be a saint because I was seen as so awful that's the only way I could ever redeem myself sufficiently to be merely average. Take the slings and arrows of the world, always sacrifice yourself first, and at the end you've climbed up far enough to be merely good.

After enough time had passed, and it became apparent that all of the disapproval of refusing to communicate with my abuser wasn't moving me, one thing didn't change. No matter how many times I was told that he wished a reconciliation, he never could say what was so awful to divide us to the point that we needed reconciliation.

He used to hate that, in his eyes, I was weird. Oh he hated me for being weird. People who knew both of us would tell him "he's your brother and he's weird." Oh how horrible, such an awful thing. When I left, people would stop doing that. People would stop coming up to him and say "he's your brother." I was out of his life, I no longer embarrassed him. But after a while, something else started happening. "You don't speak to your brother? How weird." He got everything he wanted, and it was weird. Oh horror, he got to hear the word "weird" again. And it was my fault again. It was time for revenge. But how could he get revenge? We were no longer in any contact.

He had to wait. Then he saw I was unemployed. That was his opportunity. He could buy me off. He could buy his brother back. And he could do so in a way that would guarantee that he never has to own up to any of the things he ever did. He never has to admit to a single god damn thing. He made an exceptionally large Christmas present to me, much larger than one stranger would ever give another. If it weren't for the need of my family I would have rejected it.

Now I get to know that he believed I could be bought.
Now I get to know that he was right.
Now if I ever say he ever did anything to hurt me ever, I'm being bad and ungrateful to someone who did such a "generous" act for me.

I had gotten to the point where I no longer think about him. He was of no concern anymore. None of the old insults would hurt me anymore. He needed a new way to hurt me, and he found it. He gets to have everyone else say "how generous" while he tells me I'm as cheap as a $2 hooker. He gets to have everyone say "he wants to reconcile" while he tells me "I never have to own up to anything I did, I got away with it."

I know this, he knows this, and he's enjoying it as he tells everyone that he was so good to me. Now I'm in the position of actually owing my abuser for his "generosity."

That's money well spent. "Yep, I purchased my victim, now he can't say a thing anymore."

One month ago I didn't care at all. Now I hate him.

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