2006-03-06
Ennui

I'm not a daddy again. For that I'm thankful. Now the question is why the wife hasn't had a period since late December.

I'm suffering from a sort of Ennui. My life lacks a certain amount of direction right now. There was a time when my goal was to go to law school. Before my marriage, I wasn't really concerned with my long term prospects. My short term prospect was to pay off all debts so I could retire from life.

I'm not talking about suicide. It's just that I don't have an incredibly strong life urge, so I'm not tied very strongly to life itself. If I had no reason to be here, I wouldn't. Before I met R, before I became a father to A, my reason was that I keep promises and had promised to pay back my debts.

If I had been planning long term, I probably would have bought a house 5 years ago instead of renting, before the bubble hit my area. Now that I have reason, I cannot because of this same bubble.

If the psychotic who had accused me had found a misandrist prosecutor and a gullible judge, I probably would have died instead of going to jail. It would not have been that big a loss to me, but confinement would be unbearable. Fortunately the DA realized that psycho was psycho and after talking with me said "there's no case."

Now I'm tied to the world for at least 18 years. I have no 18 year plans. I have no idea where I want to be in 18 years. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going, what my plans are, what my future is. The only thing I have as a guide is routine, and that is really pale. It gets boring quickly if all you have is routine.

My goal right now - get a job in AZ or GA so we can move in with family and pay off all debts quickly. Then ... then move back to CA I guess. I used to want to be an actor, which is why I moved to CA. Why do I want to live in CA right now? Mostly because it's a tie to a dream I once had. I have no other reason.

I used to have reasons. Now I've got the ennui of routine.

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