2002-10-27
Unfocused Anger

I am truly feeling messed up. The last few days I have been full of anger. Who am I angry at? Nobody, just angry. I'm not angry at any group, person, or thing. If I had to say what I am angry at, the best answer would be that I am angry at my situation.

I'm not even angry at fate, only at what my life has become. Some might try to rationalize it, and say that I am angry at myself, but that would only be partially correct. This feeling isn't rational, and I'm not the one the bulk of my anger is directed at.

I keep saying to myself "hang on, you will get a job." I suppose if you repeat something enough you will believe it. It's not working on me that well, so I suppose some reverse psychology is in order. Or maybe not. I don't know, I just am fed up with what's going on in my life.

Unfocused anger is not a good thing. I have an incredibly short temper because of it. I would love to be able to do something constructive, like take some Prozac (Gods, I miss that pill) but I cannot due to my military standing (prozac makes you undeployable, and I need to be able to accept deployments) and my job standing (no insurance for the prozac).

Of course, if pot were legal, I'd gladly switch to that for pretty much the same effect.

Now I'm just whining. The irony meter is pegging, considering how much I dislike whining.

I remembered when I was a child, and the report card came home, my parents were quite upset and lectured me all day about the card. I realized today that while they were to say that the lectured me to get the next report card to be better, the only way to end the anger that caused them to lecture would have been to wave a magic wand over the card and change the D's to B's. They wanted the impossible, to change what has already happened.

That is something I want to, and I suppose that is the source of my unfocused anger, the desire to change what has already happened. I guess you could say that, like my parents, the anger is about the inability to undo what has been done. My parents had other problems, and those caused other problems for me, but that was in many ways the penultimate one.

What was the ultimate one? Do you ever hear people say "what I would have done"? Well, in most cases, when it is parents talking about all they advantages they want for their kids, what they are trying to do to their kids is not give the parents what the parents wanted as teenagers, but what the parents think they should have wanted as teens but didn't realize it until the parents were adults.

My parents didn't care about what I wanted, they wanted me to do all they things they LATER realized they wanted but didn't want as teens. I was so very ultimately stubbornly selfish as to assert "Even if I can never have it, I want what I want, and you cannot tell me what to want. You can tell me what to do, what to say, etc., but you can not tell me what to think." Isn't that selfish? Isn't it awful that I wanted to be myself?

That I insisted on wanting to be myself had me make decisions and choices that they wanted to undo by lecturing me.

That's my situation. Thankfully I have alcohol to keep me company.

<-- -->