2002-11-12
Almost Left.

Life truly stinks, although I just got thrown a bone.

I sent in my unemployment check application late. Now it is denied, but they are sending me a current form.

Problem is, I'm out of money. I have $15 in my pocket and $5 in the bank. I was very close to joining the Air Force, when I discovered a hidden source of resources for me. I had several months ago transfered a considerable sum to Paypal, and they have been holding it for me. I transfered it back, and now I have $200 in the bank.

Ok, saved by the bell.

Last night I was so depressed over my options I was contemplating suicide again. I had the gun loaded, but didn't pull the trigger. I am not sure what stopped me, I just didn't go through with it. I was thinking I had to choose between military or the street, and I still didn't pull the trigger. That is the closest I have come in many years though.

I chickened out. What a coward I am. I can't live and I can't die.

I called a prospective employer, and got no information. They are still deciding. The most positive response I got from another prospect would involve a 25% pay cut, but I've learned how to live on nothing, so I guess I can deal with that. I can use it while I seek a better job. I have also learned it's a contract job, which means I have a limited time in which to act, so I will keep up the high pace search while working, IF I get the job.

I like to be self reliant, but the one thing I need most makes me depend on others - I need an employer to say "you're hired." What I need is in someone else's hands, and I can only hope they do what I want, instead of just getting things done on my own. It makes me feel so helpless.

I almost left the world. I almost left the civilian world.

That's the update. Night all.

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