2002-11-13
Waiting

Nothing new. Gods, I'm stuck in the waiting game again ... waiting for the form for the Unemployment check so that I can wait for the Unemployment check, waiting for the money transfer from paypal to my checking account, waiting for some employer to call. Even when I am actively job hunting, I am simply setting myself up for more waiting, waiting for replies.

The replies are not encouragement when I stop waiting though. When I get the rejections, it makes me wonder what I was waiting for.

There is one reader who knows my phone number, and when she read my last entry, she called to ensure that I was feeling alright. No, the suicidal thoughts were borne more out of desperation than depression, although there is plenty of the latter going on as well.

Now I am just resigned to waiting. Like the Russians say "somehow, with luck, we'll muddle through."

That is all I'm doing, muddling. I should be productive. I've been accused of being an elitist, and there is some justification to that claim. The elite, however, do not muddle, and I am muddling.

I remember when I used to have a job, I added an entry daily. I am much better when I am busy, I feel better when active. My will is draining and I am turning to apathy.

At least I'm getting to apathetic to do myself any harm.

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