2002-11-17
Went to Church

Well, I did something different today. I went to church. It has been many years since I went to church, and I was rather nervous. I felt like a bit of a hypocrite, since I am going back now that I have problems. Something like a foul-weather friend.

The church was nice. I had to excuse myself once to the restroom because I started to lose my composure, and then I did lose it after the service when talking to the pastor. Fortunately he was understanding.

I don't know what good will come of it, but I do feel better, less empty. Maybe things will improve, I don't know.

I guess I might be feeling hope, but I'm afraid. I've been Pagan for many years. Why would I go to church?

I want to hope, but I'm afraid the hope will be disappointed again.

I also went out and had a Big Mac value meal, and it tasted good. Strange how that happens, nothing had much taste before.

I told the pastor how I was feeling suicidal, and how going to church seemed like a better idea than killing myself. He agreed with that.

I think I might go back.

Now I have to keep in touch with the Unemployment department to see if they received the claim form and if they will respond. That is my job this week, as well as continued job hunting and as well as not killing myself.

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