2003-04-28
I'm evil.

If only I had computer access this weekend. So much happened over the weekend.

Ayn Rand once said that nobody can survive the moment when they must pronounce themselves irredeemably evil. Well, physical survival is one thing, but emotional survival is another matter entirely.

Why do I say that? Because I killed her. She is still around, but her hope, her joy, and her heart are all dead. I killed the woman I love. And I didn't do it for any good reason. I did it because I was being petty and selfish, by getting even with my previous girlfriends, injuring her as they injured me. She did absolutely nothing to deserve this. She is an innocent, and a very good person. I would have had no interest in her if she were not good, and I killed her. I destroyed one of the few remeaning dreams left in the world.

She could have brought joy to all the world. Instead my own pettiness, selfishness, and cruelty have deprived the world of her.

What I did was completely evil. I can not even look at myself without seeing all the pain I caused her. If I wasn't hurting in guilt, I'd hurt in hatred.

But now that the scales have been lifted from my eyes, I see what I have done. I also see what I lost, and what I should have been for her. I would give my soul (if I still had one worth mentioning) if it would make her better.

And she is forgiving. She has every right to hate me. It would be just if she wanted revenge for all I did. She said she forgives me. She's willing to see me this weekend. What a saint she is even after all that I put her through.

I'm going to go.

<-- -->