2003-04-29
My confession

My guilt is phenomenal. I do not know if I can express it, but I must try.

I know what I did was both intentional and evil. I deliberately and with full malice destroyed another person's soul. The fact that I did it subconsciously has my new girlfriend convinced that it was not deliberate. I tried to tell her otherwise, but she does not understand.

I know what I did. I want to undo it. It probably can't be repaired or mended in any way, but I want to try.

She was a child of dreams born into a cold and uncaring world that has no use for dreams. She deserved protection from that world. Instead I took her in and destroyed those dreams, I turned her world into a nightmare, and threw her out into an uncaring and cold world.

Her joy was so great that she could have brought joy into the world. Now she has only pain.

She used to express her joy through a beautiful and creative life. Now all of her life is pain.

What kind of terrible monster could do such a thing? Something vast and evil? No, evil is small, petty, impotent, sneaky, and ultimately useless. It was my own smallness that created such malice. To get revenge upon people who are not in my life, I destroyed her innosence, when innosence is so lacking in the world already.

What greater sin is there to destroy someone that way? That I did it senselessly only makes me the worse.

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