2005-01-31
How I really feel.

Ok, it comes and goes. Sometimes I'm excited about the baby (current due date April 3) and sometimes, like right now, I'm filled with dread.

It's a cycle. Cycle starts calm. Then little bits of excitement creep in. Those little bits of excitement give way to an ongoing dread, which eventually settlees into calm.

The worst part is, I really don't feel comfortable talking to my wife about any of this. I don't want to upset her. It's bad enough that our lack of proper caution is causing this infant to be born during her final semester at school. I'm trying to support her emotionally so that she will finish school. ARGH!

I can't talk to my parents. I never could anyway. Too much baggage there, although my mom and I almost had a breakthrough on that score a few months ago. So, in that quarter, I'm "worried".

That leaves you, dear readers.

Ok, so how do I feel?

I never wanted to be a parent. Never. I do not want to be a Dad. Never have. That's something for other people to do, not me. I have no desire to care for small children, I have no desire to parent teenagers, I have no desire to do any of that.

I once wanted to be an actor. I still do. I also want to be a laywer, even more than I want to be an actor. Now I'm tied to caring for this child that I helped bring into the world. I don't want any of that.

I'm already having an early mid-life crisis, as I realize I really have accomplished none of my goals. This is too much.

I don't want this kid. I don't want the responsibility. I don't seek the pleasure of being a parent. The joys of parenting are supposed to pay for the pains of parenting, but I do not see it as sufficient compensation. It would be like selling my motorcycle for $10.

I can't be happy right now. It just doesn't work that way. I'll be happy in 20 years when the kid leaves, and then I can start my life again. I won't be happy then, I'll be too old to start my life.

I feel like my whole god damn life is over because of this kid.

Shit.

<-- -->