2007-06-18
It's not over until it's over

What do you do when your life is over?

Of course, it's not over until it's over, but lately I feel that the rest of my life will be tying up loose ends. I realized a few weeks ago that I haven't fulfilled a single one of my life's ambitions, and probably never will. I could have (once upon a time) simply retired from life, but that's not an option because of the loose ends.

It feels weird to call my family a loose end, but in a way it is. Instead of following my dreams I must be practical, and I must support my wife and kid. I want to support them, so I must forego what other life paths that I also want. Supporting them means a job I do not want.

I was never meant to be an engineer, yet I am one. I was meant to be an artist of some sort. The talent is there, unpracticed, rusting. I could do well, if only I could. Sixteen more years until my kid is a legal adult and I could (but I won't) kick him out and tell him he's on his own.

I've got to see that my wife is well provided for in the event of my death. I'm not doing a very good job of planning for the future since the present is such a mess. I'm treading water, running as fast as I can to stay in place.

My job is at risk right now. How can I do my job of supporting her if I can't do my job of working for a paycheck? It's worrisome, desperate. I can't do the job I want, and now I can't even do the job I don't want.

So now I just earn as much as I can (when I can) so that when I've fulfilled all my obligations I can retire a failure. They say that depression among senior citizens is a serious problem, and I know that when the day comes I'll be a serious problem.

Damn it, I'm too young to be having a mid-life crisis.

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