2007-09-13
Even when we win, we lose

I hate business trips, I really do. I'm on one right now and have been having heartburn all week.

By the way, spaghetti-o's are not food.

I've finally figured out what has been ailing me since the most recent car breakdown. It's not sadness, it is despair. Hey, spend $3400 in one summer only to have YET ANOTHER breakdown and see how well you hold up.

My wife has known that I've been feeling sad, and wanted to try to cheer me up, but neither of us have been able to find a way to cheer me. That's making her sad.

Despair. I see no way to change our situation and our situation isn't good. My readers remember my entry about sibling abuse and my brother, so you know that I've been seeking a job in my mom's area.

I see myself barely getting by in the AV forever, constantly paying to repair cars that want to die, always paying off student loans, always struggling month-to-month, never able to train into a new field, never able to move to a new area, never able to improve my standing, never able to break out of this rut.

The word "never" is the key to despair.

Even when we win, we lose though.

Walking through the mall, we saw a "enter to win a car" display. So we filled it out. We got a call from them saying our name was pulled to win a prize. All we have to do is go to their timeshare sales pitch. No big deal, but we can't bring our boy.

So we called all family members in the area. Three of them were out of town and the fourth was busy. We called three different friends, and got no answer from any of them - just the answering machine for two of them and nothing for the third.

We couldn't go. The contest rules clearly stated that we both had to be there and we could not bring the kid. The practicality of the situation was that if one of us couldn't stay behind with the kid then we couldn't go.

My wife finally stopped being an optimist. She said "even when we win, we lose." We are guaranteed to win something - at the very least theme park tickets and a hotel stay at the park. If the impossible happens and we win big, we win a $100,000 voucher for a new car, truck, motorcycle, or RV. We couldn't win any of it though.

Even though we won, we lost.

Gods, I cannot wait for this life to finally be over. I've got at least another 30 years to go until I'm free though.

<-- -->