2013-09-16
Bearing the choice I made

This is harder than I thought.

So I made a deliberate choice to choose my wife. My heart may have strayed, but my behavior hasn't. I knew the right thing to do, so I chose to do it.

But my thoughts are still on her, my Ana Ng. Choosing my wife is the easy part, but making the hart comply isn't the easy part.

R has noticed, but I haven't told her about my internal conflict. But she notices I'm not as quick to hug or kiss as I used to be, and I don't even realize it.

Yes, I still want my Ana Ng. I even told her that I love her, and that didn't scare her off. But we both know it is wrong, and neither of us are quitting this too-close friendship.

As I do so often in my life, I'm choosing what is right over what I desperately want more. R isn't bad, I still love her, but I love my Ana Ng more. So in the words of one of the few country songs I can listen to, I'm doing the hardest thing, I'm holding one while loving the other.

It's not R's fault. That's why I feel so guilty even though I haven't actually done anything. It's what they call an "emotional affair."

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